Hey Migraine. You're an asshole.

That's right Migraine. I'm just calling it like I see it. I don't know how many times I've told you since I was twelve to fuck the fuck off, but I'm sure it numbers in the hundreds at this point. You never seem to take me seriously. But I so totally mean it.

No one likes you. You're rude and selfish and ugly and loud and smelly and you should just go die. Or go hang out with Newt Gingrich or someone like that. No one else wants you around. Even Michele Bachmann hates you. That's pretty bad, because she's crazy. You can tell she's crazy because she spells Michelle wrong. She only uses one L and that's messed up, so you know she's got some serious problems.

And what's with you these last couple weeks?! I mean seriously, I don't need you around EVER and you show up four times? FOUR TIMES! WTF Migraine? Do you have nothing better to do than make me a whiny, glassy eyed, cry baby face head? You should take up a hobby or something. Woodworking or some such nonsense. I don't care what it is, but you should really find other things to do, instead of forcing yourself on people that don't even want you around. That's pretty sad and pathetic Migraine. Get a life why don't you! I'd almost feel sorry for you that you have to resort to such tactics just to have company, if it weren't for the fact that I fucking hate you. Maybe you should work on your personality and then people wouldn't mind having you around. Did you ever think of that? No, probably not. I bet you think you're perfect. Fucking narcissist. I've got news for you-your shit DOES stink! You just sit there and think about that for a while and maybe it'll change your attitude about things.

Apparently you've been working out. I can tell because my normal medicines aren't working. My neck is killing me and I feel like there's a ball of fire back there too. My skin is actually hot! That's fucked up Migraine. Know what else? I don't care for this whole new "light sensitivity" bullshit either. Knock. It. Off.

I don't know why you're pulling this shit with me Migraine. I'm normally a pretty nice person, and I don't deserve you attacking me like this. I know I'm nice because when I smile at babies and children, they smile back. In fact, that just happened a few minutes ago. I came home and went to go get my mail and this little girl and her dad were in the hall and I smiled at her and she smiled back and started talking about her "cinnamon gloves". I don't know what cinnamon gloves are, but I bet she wouldn't want to tell you about them. I bet kids would start crying if you smiled at them.

That's the difference between me and you really. Kids love me because I'm nice and a relatively awesome human, but they fucking hate you.

Because you're an asshole.

And a dick.

Morning migraine-A 1 woman play

Migraine-GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!
Head-Wha-Ouch! Not cool Migraine. Not cool at all.
Migraine-HI! GOOD MORNING!
Brain-Shhhhhh. That hurts Head, Migraine.
Migraine-REALLY?!?!?!?!
Brain/Head-Yes!
Alarm clock-MORNING!! MORNING!!! TIME TO WAKE UP! LET'S WAKE UP! WAKE UP! TIME FOR WORK! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH! START YOUR DAY! GET UP!!!! LET'S GO!!!!!!!!!! UP UP UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!
Brain-Calm down alarm clock! Arm, why can't you find Alarm clock?
Arm-I'm trying, just gimme...Found Alarm clock! Shhhh Alarm clock, go back to sleep.
Ears-Thank God
Migraine-I like Alarm clock.
Brain-Go away Migraine.
Migraine-Ummmmm...NO! You haven't missed me?
Brain-Can't say we have.
Migraine-That hurts my feelings Brain. I noticed you've been avoiding me for the last week. I've tried to come around but you keep taking medicine and stuff. So I decided to try first thing.
Brain-If I hurt your feelings then you should go away and not come back.
Migraine-I will spend the day with you and make you love me.
Brain-Sounds like it's time for medicine.
Migraine-?
Brain-That's right MEDICINE!
*Migraine punches Brain in the brain stem
Brain-Yes,time for medicine FOR SURE.
Migraine-Whatever, I'm not going anywhere.
Stomach-I'm not into this medicine idea
Brain-What's wrong Stomach?
Stomach-Eh. Not feeling so hot. Don't really feel like holding anything right now.
Brain-That's Migraine's fault. If we take medicine then Migraine may go away.
Stomach-Still not into it but do what you've got to do.
Brain-Body, off to the kitchen!
Body-K (sits up in bed)
Head-WHOA BODY! SLOWLY TO THE KITCHEN!
Migraine-Remember me and you, and you and me, no matter how you toss the dice, it's meant to be!
Stomach-This sucks. I really feel like shit.
Brain-I know Stomach. I'm not feeling so hot either. Legs, what's your problem?! Straight lines please.
Legs-I am!
Brain-Sigh. Ok. Just get to the kitchen.
Migraine-The only one for me is you...
Eyes-Why is the fridge light so bright?! Where's the medicine Brain? Where'd we leave it?
Brain-Crap! Eyes, I think I told Body to leave it in the purse. Legs, go to the purse.
Legs-Make up your mind Brain.
Brain-Shut it. I'm not in the mood.
Legs-Pfffffttt
Migraine-And you for me!
Eyes-Purse is really dark.
Brain-Don't worry Eyes. Hands, dig around at the bottom. That's where everything goes.
Hands-Cool...found medicine!
Brain-SWEET! Open it hands!
Hands-k
Brain-Legs, we need to go back to the kitchen for water.
Legs-on it
Brain-Hands, pour some water please
Hands-k
*Body then takes medicine and drinks water
Migraine-La la lalalalalala la la la la!
Brain-Alright. Lets get ready for work Body
Head-Fuck you
Brain-HEAD I SAID-
Head-FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!
Migraine-LA LA LA LALALA LA LA LA LALALALALALA! WISH I KNEW HOW THIS SONG WEEEEEEENNNNTTTTTTT!
Brain-Quiet Migraine! Ok. We'll go lay down for a bit alright Head?
Head-Sounds good
Brain-Body, let's lay down
Migraine-AND SOMETHING ELSE, AND MORE WORDS HERE!
Brain-Quiet Migraine
Throat-Water please
Brain-Throat, what's wrong?
Throat-Water please
Brain-Yeah, I got that the first time. Why do you need water?
Throat-Ummm, I kinda hurt. Need water.
Brain-Why didn't you say so when we were in the kitchen?
Throat-Shrug
Brain-Is it soooooo bad that we need to get back up? Head wants to rest for a little while.
Throat-(mocking tone) Head wants to rest for a little while :P
Brain-Throat, be nice
Throat-I want water!
Brain-I'm making an executive decision. No water right now Throat. If you didn't need it in the kitchen, you must not need it that badly. You'll just have to deal.
Throat-:P
Migraine-HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!
Head-Ugh
Stomach-Ugh
Brain-SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Calm down Migraine.
Migraine-:D
Brain-Head, we've got to get up and get ready for work.
Head-Um you know, I'm just really not down for that.
Eyes-I'm with Head. I'd like to keep the lids down for, oh, 5 or 6 more hours. It's kinda bright in here.
Brain-Eyes, the light's not even on!
Eyes-The sun is on.
Brain-Eyes it's-
Eyes-THE. SUN. IS. ON.
Head-Yeah Brain! The SUN is on.
Stomach-Yeah Brain! Whatever they said!
Migraine-Yay sun! YAY YAY SUN! Brain, you should tell Body to open the blinds! More sun!
Brain-Sigh. Fine. Eyes, you're going to have to look at the phone though. We have to tell everyone we're not coming in.
Eyes-ummmmmm, phone is bright.
Brain-Not as bright as the sun. Tough it out.
Eyes-SIIIIIIIIIGH. Fine.
Fingers-Texting is hard!
Brain-Just make it make sense
Fingers-They can probably read that. What do you think Eyes?
Eyes-Phone is bright
Brain-Fingers, I think that was ok. Don't worry about Eyes, they don't feel like being too helpful today.
Eyes-I heard that. Can we close now?
Brain-Yes.
Eyes-Brain, would you tell Arms to wrap the blanket around Head? The sun is on.
Brain-FINE. Arms... get to it.
Arms-k
Migraine-...The only one for me is you and you for me SO HAPPY TOGEEEEEEEEEEETHEEEEEEEER!!!
Brain-Migraine, now is really not the time. You made us call in, that should be enough for now ok?
Migraine-Bah bah bababababababa babababa!
Brain-Sleep?
Sleep-What's up?
Brain-Can you come over?
Sleep-I was just there a little while ago!
Brain-I know, but Migraine woke us up.
Sleep-So?
Brain-Well, we took some medicine, but I don't know if it's going to work and Migraine is upsetting everyone. We had to call into work because Migraine is being so obnoxious.
Sleep-Oh I see how it is.
Brain-What do you mean?
Sleep-You only want me around when you need me. When being awake is inconvenient for you.
Brain-Sleep, what are you talking about?
Sleep-What am I talking about? How about all the times I come around and you try to make me leave? You ignore me! Or worse, you tell me to go away! That happens, oh, LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY!
Brain-Sleep, you know we like you. Really, we love you. But Body has a job to do and she can't do it if you're around is all.
Sleep-Ummm hummm. Whatever Brain.
Brain-It's true! Body, tell Sleep!
Body-I feel like shit
Brain-(stern Mom voice) Body...
Body-Sleep, can't work with you around. But we do love you. Migraine made us not work today. We can hang out all day if you want.
Brain-See Sleep? We love you!
Sleep-Sigh. Alright. Give me a bit. I'll be over.

On the subject of relationships...

So I recently got out of what I thought could be a rewarding relationship. And it's not that it wasn't, it just didn't end the way it should have (I think anyway). It got me to thinking about relationships in general. What works, what doesn't, what the hell went wrong? Here I give you the woman's perspective. This is the kind of thing you'd hear if you were a fly on the wall when a woman's friends find out about how things are and how we think they should be.

Men, we think you're dumb. Every. Last. One. You're all dumb. We think you are as dumb as you think we are crazy. But really, it's not that you're a mass of unintelligent nimrods bumbling through life who somehow manage to feed yourselves without your mommy around. No. Really it's more that you're naive and kinda scared of the world. And that seems pretty stupid to us. We're all told it's the women of the world that believe in fairy tales but that's really not the case. Yes, lots and lots of women imagine that when they meet the man of their dreams, life will be perfect, trumpets will sound, and the animals will sing a happy love song while she and her perfect prince dance off into the sunset. We call those women 18 year olds. They just barely qualify in the woman category. They've not had their heart truely broken yet. By the time a woman is 23 or 24, she's sufficently jaded enough to realize that the fairy tales aren't true. So then we do what every guy friend I had when I was in my 20's hated. We start dating older men.

Yes guys, you only had yourselves to blame for all the hot girls your age dating 30 something men. It seemed logical to us at the time. If guys in their 20's are too immature to have a productive, loving relationship, then older men must have had enough life experience to have grown up. It's kind of true. 30 something guys are less immature. By a very little bit. Eventually though we find out that older men that date younger woman have got some issues. Most of us would rather not deal with those issues.

At this point, we're in our mid to late 20's. Some of our girlfriends somehow found a guy that was worth marrying. Other girlfriends have given up and stick with a guy that's totally not worth it. On our girl nights we ALL bitch about YOU over a glass of yummy wine. Because even the good one's that our girls married are....dumb.

You guys think relationships just happen. You think if she's the "right" girl, it just works. You think there should be no real effort involved. If you run into a disagreement, then it's not meant to be. She must not be the one. You worry you're settling for something if it's not magic all the time. That's all a bunch of hooey. Foolishness. You're naive and afraid. You don't like to admit it to yourself, but every woman knows a mans heart is much more fragile because you're terrified of emotional pain. You'd rather have your arm smashed with a sledge hammer than have your feelers hurt. Grow up already.

Let me tell you about "the one". It's a bunch of bull honky. It's a terribly depressing thought really. I'm sure you're aware there are more than 6 BILLION people on this planet and counting. The odds of people finding their "one"? The only person in the world that can possibly complete their life and make everything wonderful? Yeah, that'd be slim to none. We'd better hope there's not just one person out there for us, otherwise we're all totally french toasted. As for the whole "meant to be" thing? Yeah, I'm not much for that either. I think it's just an excuse people use when they either realize that they're not willing to work on a relationship, or they've actually tried and it's just not happening.

By the way, when you realize that the relationship you're in isn't what you're looking for, think about band aids. You know how you're tempted to pull it off slowly because you know it's going to hurt a lot if you just rip it off? So you work at it slowly, and it pulls each and every little arm hair out of your skin ever so agonizingly? And you know that had you just yanked it off, the pain would already be over and you wouldn't have this big throbbing red mark on your arm that won't let you forget how dumb you just were? Break-ups are the same way. Take Nike's advice and just do it. Get it over with because in the long run, it's less painful for everyone involved. Yeah, we may still cry. We may even tell you we hate you and make you feel guilty. But we'll both be able to move on faster, because it hurts more the longer it takes. Man up!

Relationships are a choice. When you think you're ready for a relationship, you better be ready to accept that you have to work to make a relationship last. If you don't embrace that, you'll fail. Can you make it work with each and every person you're attracted to? No. Everyone is in a different place in their lives. Personal backgrounds, as much as we hate to admit it, make a difference. Personal beliefs, all sorts of things come into play. Some people will tell you the old adage opposites attract is the key. Others will tell you if you're too different from your partner, it can never work. There's a whole slew of factors that go into making a relationship work. But willingness to try is the most important. To make a relationship work, you have to be willing to try. If you expect that it will just happen and you don't have to do anything, you'll be alone more often than not. Yep. All by yourself-for freakin ever. That's because anything worthwhile takes work. You worked to get through college yes? In the hopes that it would nab you a better job and a better life right? Right. So you worked for it. It was hard. It sucked sometimes. Maybe you even wanted to quit. But you didn't. Honestly, a relationship is no different. You find someone you're attracted to. Someone who's company you enjoy. Someone you can laugh with and talk with and trust. Then you decide to give it all you've got. Know that it's scary for everyone, but since when is being afraid a good excuse to not do something so rewarding? Know that a relationship should be 50/50, but a good partner will understand when it has to be 80/20 to help you achieve your goals (and expect that the situation will reverse it's self and you'll be the one giving your all to support her goals too). And when you have a fight you acknowledge that we're all imperfect and work it out. Even if it's agree to disagree. But don't mistake a disagreement or a difference for a sign that you're not supposed to be together. That's stupid. Women know this. We wish that more men did.

I hate you cancer

So for anyone that cares to read this, you may or my not know my mother probably has lung cancer. I say probably because the goddamn doctors still haven't done a flippin biopsy on this thing they found in her lungs oh, a couple months ago. According to the assistant to the surgeon that will eventually do the biopsy (WHEN?!), the CAT scan shows irregular boarders and is consistent with a malignant tumor. So really, best guess is she has cancer. That follows since she's been smoking for 40 some odd years.

I thought I'd come to terms with my mother's smoking and my father's various addictions. I was wrong. When my mother called me and told me they'd found something in an X-ray, I could hardly talk. That's because my throat closed up because I was crying. I didn't want to do anything and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just layed on the couch for the entire weekend and watched Criminal Minds. I didn't eat the whole weekend. I lost 3 pounds the following week. My boyfriend and I broke up in part because I have absolutely nothing to give to a relationship right now. Because I'm afraid my mom will die. And I'm afraid she'll suffer before it happens.

I've not slept for more than 3 hours a night for the last 3 weeks. Nearly 4 weeks now. Except for last Tuesday. I slept so well that I woke up in the same position I'd fallen asleep in. I don't advise that by the way because that side of your body will stay sore all day. It was worth it though. I thought "oh yay! My insomnia has cured it's self!" I was wrong about that too. And yes, I've tried all sorts of OTC meds to sleep. How do you think I've been able to get as much as 3 hours of sleep? That wouldn't happen if I were non-medicated.

So I took most of yesterday off because I was so flippin exhausted. You can't even believe how tired I was, and I can't even begin to explain it. It wasn't just a physical exhaustion, if anything, it's more a mental exhaustion. In 3 hours, you can still reach REM sleep and your body can do a lot (not enough, but a lot) of the repairs it needs to. But (medically induced) 3 hours is not enough time for your brain to rest and re cooperate. I think it's only just enough to stave off insanity. And there's no guarantee I will remain sane if I continue on this 3 hours a night sleep thing. To paraphrase Donkey from Shreck-I'm a girl on the edge!

I come in today, and everyone but my boss is mad at me. People that know what's going on in my life were mad at me. But I'm just too tired and stressed out to care. It's not that I don't want to care either. I'm talking about people I consider friends outside of work. But I just can't be bothered to care about what they had to deal with yesterday. I just can't. I'm too tired from hating cancer/fearing for my mother/not knowing what will happen to give 2 poops about it. And there's my last word on it.

You're a nice person and all, but I'm kinda busy right now

Do you ever have those times where you just want to just want to say "Look, I'm kinda busy at the moment. Can we talk about this later?"

The frustrating thing about those times is usually that it's fairly obvious you're kinda busy at that moment. Like, maybe your face is stuck in a book. Or you're having a conversation with someone else. Or you're doing homework. Whatever. It's clear you're busy. And yet, people want to talk. And you try to do the polite "uh huh" distracted thing-trying to get the point across that you're busy. But the person just doesn't get it. (Shakes head) Why is it so hard to fathom that perhaps it is more interesting/important/relaxing for us at moment to do whatever it is we're doing that it would be interesting/important/relaxing to speak to you? Help me out here because I just don't understand!

Colorado weather. Don't believe the lies.

Just a short post today to clear up some crazy misconceptions that people have about the weather here in Colorado. Lots of people around here like to say "Don't like the weather? Wait 5 minutes!" then they laugh as if they've made some sort of clever joke. But what they've actually done is reinforced this silly idea that Colorado is a sunny, warm, wonderful climate year round. It's not. Winter starts in October. No really, it does. Granted, it's not like a deep freeze Michigan kind of winter. But that's when we get our first snow. So as far as I'm concerned, that's when winter starts. Know what I call kids on Halloween around here? Flashers. Know why? Because when you open your door, they open their coats so you can see their costumes, shout "TRICK OR TREAT!" and bundle right back into those coats. Because it snowed the night before. And it's still really cold. Poor things!

And another thing. Winter doesn't end before April. True story! We've had nifty 3 foot + blizzards in April. At the end of April even! I know that because my birthday is in April, and I've had to wear my snow boots on my birthday many times. So that means 6 months of winter. That's an inappropriately long time.

People also like to tell this little lie: "Oh yeah, it snows now and then. But it's no big deal. It's gone next day!" No it's not. Those people's front yards must be north facing, and they must never look in their back yards. Or at the sidewalks on the way to work. Because if they did, they'd see the snow is most definitely still there. Those same people will also tell you that the day after a snow storm it'll be "like 60 degrees!" Yeah. Not so much true really. Maybe in the 40's. That happens. But last my body told me, 40 is not like 60 at all.

Again, those from Michigan (as my mom is) and all those northern states will tell you that Colorado winters are balmy in comparison. I know. That doesn't make 40 degrees feel anything like 60 degrees when you're outside though.

Just sayin.

My take on fixing Washington...

It's so mindbogglingly simple. But I'll start from the beginning of my reasoning here. I'll take you on my train of thought (usually has a lot of detours and back tracking, but not this time)!

I've joked for years and years that the only thing politicians in Washington can agree on is that they need a raise. They fight over everything else and I'm amazed that any actual legislating of any sort happens. It's a sad joke really, not intended to be ha ha funny, but rather, that's so pathetic you have to laugh. I don't think politicians should be paid much more than us. They're supposed to be in the business of public service, not the business of amassing fortunes.

I've always felt that if they think they should get a raise, they should have to ask us. They claim they work for us right? So, shouldn't we be the ones to judge their job performance? I don't get to tell my boss, oh hey, by the way-I was really busy the last few months, so I told payroll to give me a 20% raise. I dare you to try it and see if you get to keep your job.

A friend asked me how I'd qualify good job performance for Washington. Very simply...no gridlock. Debate yes, compromise-absolutely! But no digging in of the heels-I won't listen to any of your ideas b/c you're from the other side of the isle bull honky. That's a bunch of stupid crap and we're all sick of it!

So I say the best start to cleaning up Washington is this. Across the board pay cut. I'm talking like a 10% pay cut too. Maybe more. Then, at every election we'd see the following at the end of our ballot: "Does the house and senate job performance merit a wage increase?" Yes or No. "Does the house and senate job performance merit a wage decrease?" Yes or No. I have a feeling that (truly) being accountable to their constituents would start a lot more collaboration in congress.

So now you'll probably get to thinking, well if the greedy bastards aren't getting their money from us, won't they just get it from the lobbyists? Fair question. I don't know, maybe each and every congressperson should have an IRS agent assigned specifically to them, so every single thing they do is monitored. I don't have all the answers. But I think I'm on to something here.