So for anyone that cares to read this, you may or my not know my mother probably has lung cancer. I say probably because the goddamn doctors still haven't done a flippin biopsy on this thing they found in her lungs oh, a couple months ago. According to the assistant to the surgeon that will eventually do the biopsy (WHEN?!), the CAT scan shows irregular boarders and is consistent with a malignant tumor. So really, best guess is she has cancer. That follows since she's been smoking for 40 some odd years.
I thought I'd come to terms with my mother's smoking and my father's various addictions. I was wrong. When my mother called me and told me they'd found something in an X-ray, I could hardly talk. That's because my throat closed up because I was crying. I didn't want to do anything and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just layed on the couch for the entire weekend and watched Criminal Minds. I didn't eat the whole weekend. I lost 3 pounds the following week. My boyfriend and I broke up in part because I have absolutely nothing to give to a relationship right now. Because I'm afraid my mom will die. And I'm afraid she'll suffer before it happens.
I've not slept for more than 3 hours a night for the last 3 weeks. Nearly 4 weeks now. Except for last Tuesday. I slept so well that I woke up in the same position I'd fallen asleep in. I don't advise that by the way because that side of your body will stay sore all day. It was worth it though. I thought "oh yay! My insomnia has cured it's self!" I was wrong about that too. And yes, I've tried all sorts of OTC meds to sleep. How do you think I've been able to get as much as 3 hours of sleep? That wouldn't happen if I were non-medicated.
So I took most of yesterday off because I was so flippin exhausted. You can't even believe how tired I was, and I can't even begin to explain it. It wasn't just a physical exhaustion, if anything, it's more a mental exhaustion. In 3 hours, you can still reach REM sleep and your body can do a lot (not enough, but a lot) of the repairs it needs to. But (medically induced) 3 hours is not enough time for your brain to rest and re cooperate. I think it's only just enough to stave off insanity. And there's no guarantee I will remain sane if I continue on this 3 hours a night sleep thing. To paraphrase Donkey from Shreck-I'm a girl on the edge!
I come in today, and everyone but my boss is mad at me. People that know what's going on in my life were mad at me. But I'm just too tired and stressed out to care. It's not that I don't want to care either. I'm talking about people I consider friends outside of work. But I just can't be bothered to care about what they had to deal with yesterday. I just can't. I'm too tired from hating cancer/fearing for my mother/not knowing what will happen to give 2 poops about it. And there's my last word on it.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
You're a nice person and all, but I'm kinda busy right now
Do you ever have those times where you just want to just want to say "Look, I'm kinda busy at the moment. Can we talk about this later?"
The frustrating thing about those times is usually that it's fairly obvious you're kinda busy at that moment. Like, maybe your face is stuck in a book. Or you're having a conversation with someone else. Or you're doing homework. Whatever. It's clear you're busy. And yet, people want to talk. And you try to do the polite "uh huh" distracted thing-trying to get the point across that you're busy. But the person just doesn't get it. (Shakes head) Why is it so hard to fathom that perhaps it is more interesting/important/relaxing for us at moment to do whatever it is we're doing that it would be interesting/important/relaxing to speak to you? Help me out here because I just don't understand!
The frustrating thing about those times is usually that it's fairly obvious you're kinda busy at that moment. Like, maybe your face is stuck in a book. Or you're having a conversation with someone else. Or you're doing homework. Whatever. It's clear you're busy. And yet, people want to talk. And you try to do the polite "uh huh" distracted thing-trying to get the point across that you're busy. But the person just doesn't get it. (Shakes head) Why is it so hard to fathom that perhaps it is more interesting/important/relaxing for us at moment to do whatever it is we're doing that it would be interesting/important/relaxing to speak to you? Help me out here because I just don't understand!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Colorado weather. Don't believe the lies.
Just a short post today to clear up some crazy misconceptions that people have about the weather here in Colorado. Lots of people around here like to say "Don't like the weather? Wait 5 minutes!" then they laugh as if they've made some sort of clever joke. But what they've actually done is reinforced this silly idea that Colorado is a sunny, warm, wonderful climate year round. It's not. Winter starts in October. No really, it does. Granted, it's not like a deep freeze Michigan kind of winter. But that's when we get our first snow. So as far as I'm concerned, that's when winter starts. Know what I call kids on Halloween around here? Flashers. Know why? Because when you open your door, they open their coats so you can see their costumes, shout "TRICK OR TREAT!" and bundle right back into those coats. Because it snowed the night before. And it's still really cold. Poor things!
And another thing. Winter doesn't end before April. True story! We've had nifty 3 foot + blizzards in April. At the end of April even! I know that because my birthday is in April, and I've had to wear my snow boots on my birthday many times. So that means 6 months of winter. That's an inappropriately long time.
People also like to tell this little lie: "Oh yeah, it snows now and then. But it's no big deal. It's gone next day!" No it's not. Those people's front yards must be north facing, and they must never look in their back yards. Or at the sidewalks on the way to work. Because if they did, they'd see the snow is most definitely still there. Those same people will also tell you that the day after a snow storm it'll be "like 60 degrees!" Yeah. Not so much true really. Maybe in the 40's. That happens. But last my body told me, 40 is not like 60 at all.
Again, those from Michigan (as my mom is) and all those northern states will tell you that Colorado winters are balmy in comparison. I know. That doesn't make 40 degrees feel anything like 60 degrees when you're outside though.
Just sayin.
And another thing. Winter doesn't end before April. True story! We've had nifty 3 foot + blizzards in April. At the end of April even! I know that because my birthday is in April, and I've had to wear my snow boots on my birthday many times. So that means 6 months of winter. That's an inappropriately long time.
People also like to tell this little lie: "Oh yeah, it snows now and then. But it's no big deal. It's gone next day!" No it's not. Those people's front yards must be north facing, and they must never look in their back yards. Or at the sidewalks on the way to work. Because if they did, they'd see the snow is most definitely still there. Those same people will also tell you that the day after a snow storm it'll be "like 60 degrees!" Yeah. Not so much true really. Maybe in the 40's. That happens. But last my body told me, 40 is not like 60 at all.
Again, those from Michigan (as my mom is) and all those northern states will tell you that Colorado winters are balmy in comparison. I know. That doesn't make 40 degrees feel anything like 60 degrees when you're outside though.
Just sayin.
Friday, January 29, 2010
My take on fixing Washington...
It's so mindbogglingly simple. But I'll start from the beginning of my reasoning here. I'll take you on my train of thought (usually has a lot of detours and back tracking, but not this time)!
I've joked for years and years that the only thing politicians in Washington can agree on is that they need a raise. They fight over everything else and I'm amazed that any actual legislating of any sort happens. It's a sad joke really, not intended to be ha ha funny, but rather, that's so pathetic you have to laugh. I don't think politicians should be paid much more than us. They're supposed to be in the business of public service, not the business of amassing fortunes.
I've always felt that if they think they should get a raise, they should have to ask us. They claim they work for us right? So, shouldn't we be the ones to judge their job performance? I don't get to tell my boss, oh hey, by the way-I was really busy the last few months, so I told payroll to give me a 20% raise. I dare you to try it and see if you get to keep your job.
A friend asked me how I'd qualify good job performance for Washington. Very simply...no gridlock. Debate yes, compromise-absolutely! But no digging in of the heels-I won't listen to any of your ideas b/c you're from the other side of the isle bull honky. That's a bunch of stupid crap and we're all sick of it!
So I say the best start to cleaning up Washington is this. Across the board pay cut. I'm talking like a 10% pay cut too. Maybe more. Then, at every election we'd see the following at the end of our ballot: "Does the house and senate job performance merit a wage increase?" Yes or No. "Does the house and senate job performance merit a wage decrease?" Yes or No. I have a feeling that (truly) being accountable to their constituents would start a lot more collaboration in congress.
So now you'll probably get to thinking, well if the greedy bastards aren't getting their money from us, won't they just get it from the lobbyists? Fair question. I don't know, maybe each and every congressperson should have an IRS agent assigned specifically to them, so every single thing they do is monitored. I don't have all the answers. But I think I'm on to something here.
I've joked for years and years that the only thing politicians in Washington can agree on is that they need a raise. They fight over everything else and I'm amazed that any actual legislating of any sort happens. It's a sad joke really, not intended to be ha ha funny, but rather, that's so pathetic you have to laugh. I don't think politicians should be paid much more than us. They're supposed to be in the business of public service, not the business of amassing fortunes.
I've always felt that if they think they should get a raise, they should have to ask us. They claim they work for us right? So, shouldn't we be the ones to judge their job performance? I don't get to tell my boss, oh hey, by the way-I was really busy the last few months, so I told payroll to give me a 20% raise. I dare you to try it and see if you get to keep your job.
A friend asked me how I'd qualify good job performance for Washington. Very simply...no gridlock. Debate yes, compromise-absolutely! But no digging in of the heels-I won't listen to any of your ideas b/c you're from the other side of the isle bull honky. That's a bunch of stupid crap and we're all sick of it!
So I say the best start to cleaning up Washington is this. Across the board pay cut. I'm talking like a 10% pay cut too. Maybe more. Then, at every election we'd see the following at the end of our ballot: "Does the house and senate job performance merit a wage increase?" Yes or No. "Does the house and senate job performance merit a wage decrease?" Yes or No. I have a feeling that (truly) being accountable to their constituents would start a lot more collaboration in congress.
So now you'll probably get to thinking, well if the greedy bastards aren't getting their money from us, won't they just get it from the lobbyists? Fair question. I don't know, maybe each and every congressperson should have an IRS agent assigned specifically to them, so every single thing they do is monitored. I don't have all the answers. But I think I'm on to something here.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
It's begining to look a lot like Christmas...
But not the one I was taught about growing up in a Lutheran house hold from Tennessee. Good God loving southern family that we were, we kept in mind what the holiday is supposed to celebrate (for those of you unsure, that would be the birth of the baby Jesus!). Most of you know I'm a Buddhist now and not a Christian. But that doesn't mean I can't be appalled by how the holiday is celebrated these days.
I was thinking about this because I do ALL my holiday shopping on line. Yes, I still celebrate Christmas. It's a holiday I loved as a child, and not just because I got presents-though yeah, that was (and is) totally fun and awesome and stuff. It was because my family was there. And I love my family. My crazy, extra large, semi-eccentric family. If they didn't have a hand in raising me, I would not be the person I am today. Frankly I think that's missing in today's society and I think that's part of what's wrong with us these days. But that's another blog entry entirely.
So anyway, the biggest reason I do all my holiday shopping on line is because I hate the holiday shopping crowds. No one is excited for the coming holiday. The shoppers are stressed out because their kids what the super duper deluxe xbox/wii combo and the store advertised they only had five of them in stock and would sell them for the bargain price of $550! The workers are stressed because they make a bit over minimum wage, had to be at the store at 4:30 a.m. and know that there's only five of those damn super duper deluxe xbox/wii combos in stock and some crazy mother will scream at the top of her lungs at them about how they should make this up to her because her precious son is the only child in the world that really deserves that toy! Oh, and there's a good chance someone will get punched in the face by an angry father who doesn't know why the hell he has to do all this shopping crap in the first place.
I'm pretty sure that I was taught that Christmas was a celebration of the birth of Jesus and a time to reflect on life and enjoy your family and all around celebrate the miracles of life and all that fun stuff. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? Way better that screaming and fighting at and with/around perfect strangers. Christmas is not about stuff. It's about love. That's what I think anyway. That's why I still celebrate it. I like love. In fact, I LOVE love! Who doesn't? Yeah, it's nice to get presents from people. Honestly though, I like Christmas cards. They don't take up a lot of space (I've got a tiny apartment!), and people can be surprisingly honest in them. I like that. Anything I need, I just buy anyway. This year, most people aren't getting stuff from me. They're getting Christmas cards that tell them how much I appreciate having them in my life. They're having donations made in their honor to charities, because some children's parents can't even afford food and shelter, let alone a super duper deluxe xbox/wii combo. Those people need my money rather than stores. They may even get a hug and a Merry Christmas! My family and friends don't need more things. They just need to know they're loved...and they are!
So while you guys where fighting it out to get the coolest toy for your kid, I got the few things I wanted to get for my loved ones online. And I stayed happy, while you got angry. I gave myself the opportunity to enjoy the season. Maybe next year you'll give yourself the opportunity to enjoy it too. Because once you remember what it's all about, it's one of the best days ever! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
I was thinking about this because I do ALL my holiday shopping on line. Yes, I still celebrate Christmas. It's a holiday I loved as a child, and not just because I got presents-though yeah, that was (and is) totally fun and awesome and stuff. It was because my family was there. And I love my family. My crazy, extra large, semi-eccentric family. If they didn't have a hand in raising me, I would not be the person I am today. Frankly I think that's missing in today's society and I think that's part of what's wrong with us these days. But that's another blog entry entirely.
So anyway, the biggest reason I do all my holiday shopping on line is because I hate the holiday shopping crowds. No one is excited for the coming holiday. The shoppers are stressed out because their kids what the super duper deluxe xbox/wii combo and the store advertised they only had five of them in stock and would sell them for the bargain price of $550! The workers are stressed because they make a bit over minimum wage, had to be at the store at 4:30 a.m. and know that there's only five of those damn super duper deluxe xbox/wii combos in stock and some crazy mother will scream at the top of her lungs at them about how they should make this up to her because her precious son is the only child in the world that really deserves that toy! Oh, and there's a good chance someone will get punched in the face by an angry father who doesn't know why the hell he has to do all this shopping crap in the first place.
I'm pretty sure that I was taught that Christmas was a celebration of the birth of Jesus and a time to reflect on life and enjoy your family and all around celebrate the miracles of life and all that fun stuff. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? Way better that screaming and fighting at and with/around perfect strangers. Christmas is not about stuff. It's about love. That's what I think anyway. That's why I still celebrate it. I like love. In fact, I LOVE love! Who doesn't? Yeah, it's nice to get presents from people. Honestly though, I like Christmas cards. They don't take up a lot of space (I've got a tiny apartment!), and people can be surprisingly honest in them. I like that. Anything I need, I just buy anyway. This year, most people aren't getting stuff from me. They're getting Christmas cards that tell them how much I appreciate having them in my life. They're having donations made in their honor to charities, because some children's parents can't even afford food and shelter, let alone a super duper deluxe xbox/wii combo. Those people need my money rather than stores. They may even get a hug and a Merry Christmas! My family and friends don't need more things. They just need to know they're loved...and they are!
So while you guys where fighting it out to get the coolest toy for your kid, I got the few things I wanted to get for my loved ones online. And I stayed happy, while you got angry. I gave myself the opportunity to enjoy the season. Maybe next year you'll give yourself the opportunity to enjoy it too. Because once you remember what it's all about, it's one of the best days ever! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Gay marriage-more you're a fucking bigot proof!
Big thank you to Shereeeeeeeea and her almost a pastor until he thought better of it dad for giving me really awesome examples of stuff the bible says we should/shouldn't do that we don't/do do anyway!
Cotton/wool blend clothing?-No!
Polygamy-Yes!
Lift a finger on the Sabbath for anything not God related?-No!
Human sacrifice?-well, we kinda covered that in the whole kill your kid because God said to, but just to clarify the point, it gets a big ol' YES! Oh, animal sacrifice is required in the Old Testament as well.
Be mean to immigrants?-No! "Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him,for you were aliens in Egypt"-score! I could write an post about immigration too...damn gringo racists!
Marrying a non virgin?-Yeah...not so much ok with the Lord.
Marry outside race?-that gets a no too
Children born out of wedlock?-Banished!
Cutting your hair?-well, that's forbidden!
Yeah, there's more I'm sure. You get my point though right? If gay marriage is forbidden in the bible and that's the argument you're going to use to make your bigotry acceptable, then follow that bible to the letter damn it! Kill your flock! Marry your dead brother's wife! And start growing out that hair while you're at it you freaking Roman!
Cotton/wool blend clothing?-No!
Polygamy-Yes!
Lift a finger on the Sabbath for anything not God related?-No!
Human sacrifice?-well, we kinda covered that in the whole kill your kid because God said to, but just to clarify the point, it gets a big ol' YES! Oh, animal sacrifice is required in the Old Testament as well.
Be mean to immigrants?-No! "Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him,for you were aliens in Egypt"-score! I could write an post about immigration too...damn gringo racists!
Marrying a non virgin?-Yeah...not so much ok with the Lord.
Marry outside race?-that gets a no too
Children born out of wedlock?-Banished!
Cutting your hair?-well, that's forbidden!
Yeah, there's more I'm sure. You get my point though right? If gay marriage is forbidden in the bible and that's the argument you're going to use to make your bigotry acceptable, then follow that bible to the letter damn it! Kill your flock! Marry your dead brother's wife! And start growing out that hair while you're at it you freaking Roman!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Gay marriage...the horror!
Yet another big topic for a girl like me to tackle. Can I handle it? I'll give it my best!
Lots of people say they're against gay marriage because it goes against what the bible says. Ok. Here's the issue I've have with that argument. People only use it when they've got nothing else to back up their hate. You hear it from people who are actually bigots, but can't stand up and admit their beliefs and say "I don't believe in it because I hate gay people". Because that's the real truth. They're bigots. They hate gay people for whatever reason. But you can't hide behind the bible on this. Here's a small sampling of why!
If we do things or don't do things because it's in the bible then why are the following not ok in our society? (Mind you, this is just a sample)
Slavery-the bible is all for it.
Beating your wife-kiddos...that's where the saying "rule of thumb" came from.
Killing/threatening to kill your own children-they call it the insanity defense when the voice of God tells you to take the life of your own child. If the jury buys it, expect to spend the rest of your life in the loony-bin.
Infanticide-On the subject of killing children, it's ok to leave a newborn out to die if it has a visible physical defect
Fathers offering their daughters up to be raped-because hey, it's better than the men in your town being sodomized!
Love thy neighbor as you love yourself-I would assume that means gay people too. I put that under this heading because it seems to be something we're not too into anymore.
Things that the bible say is not ok that we do anyway:
Premarital sex-need I say more?
Sex within marriage for pleasure rather than reproduction-totally unfair right? You wait all this time to get married so you can fool around, and now you're only allowed to do it to make babies?! WTF!
Treat others less than human because we refuse to believe God would make someone gay-ok, so that's not exactly what's in there, but it falls along the lines of that whole love thy neighbor thing.
Things that if you go by biblical example we should be for but for some reason, none of us can agree on:
Abortion-if you can kill children because God said to and leave infants out to die because of a harelip, certainly you should be able to end an unwanted pregnancy. Hey, it follows the same logic.
Capital punishment-an eye for an eye!
I just don't get you crazy homophobic people! I can go outside right now, find some guy, and fly off to Vegas and marry him. I can! Because I'm a woman, and a guy is another word for man. So that's totally ok and keeps the "sanctity" of marriage in tact. Totally right? But, God forbid a same sex couple that loves each other and is committed to one another get to enjoy the same right as I do with my random guy I found on the street who's name I don't know and will only allow to sleep on my couch. Can't have that! Love? Commitment? What does that have to do with marriage?!
I guess my mother did a better job with me than yours did with you. She raised me to love everyone because that's what Jesus taught. If you call yourself a Christian, and you condone this hatred, well, good luck explaining that on Judgment Day!
Here's my bottom line. When the state became the entity that condones marriage, it became a civil, SECULAR matter. The Constitution of The United States does not allow for discrimination. Religious beliefs have no place in the argument. It's discriminatory and discrimination has no place in our country. So shove it! Thanks for listening :D
Lots of people say they're against gay marriage because it goes against what the bible says. Ok. Here's the issue I've have with that argument. People only use it when they've got nothing else to back up their hate. You hear it from people who are actually bigots, but can't stand up and admit their beliefs and say "I don't believe in it because I hate gay people". Because that's the real truth. They're bigots. They hate gay people for whatever reason. But you can't hide behind the bible on this. Here's a small sampling of why!
If we do things or don't do things because it's in the bible then why are the following not ok in our society? (Mind you, this is just a sample)
Slavery-the bible is all for it.
Beating your wife-kiddos...that's where the saying "rule of thumb" came from.
Killing/threatening to kill your own children-they call it the insanity defense when the voice of God tells you to take the life of your own child. If the jury buys it, expect to spend the rest of your life in the loony-bin.
Infanticide-On the subject of killing children, it's ok to leave a newborn out to die if it has a visible physical defect
Fathers offering their daughters up to be raped-because hey, it's better than the men in your town being sodomized!
Love thy neighbor as you love yourself-I would assume that means gay people too. I put that under this heading because it seems to be something we're not too into anymore.
Things that the bible say is not ok that we do anyway:
Premarital sex-need I say more?
Sex within marriage for pleasure rather than reproduction-totally unfair right? You wait all this time to get married so you can fool around, and now you're only allowed to do it to make babies?! WTF!
Treat others less than human because we refuse to believe God would make someone gay-ok, so that's not exactly what's in there, but it falls along the lines of that whole love thy neighbor thing.
Things that if you go by biblical example we should be for but for some reason, none of us can agree on:
Abortion-if you can kill children because God said to and leave infants out to die because of a harelip, certainly you should be able to end an unwanted pregnancy. Hey, it follows the same logic.
Capital punishment-an eye for an eye!
I just don't get you crazy homophobic people! I can go outside right now, find some guy, and fly off to Vegas and marry him. I can! Because I'm a woman, and a guy is another word for man. So that's totally ok and keeps the "sanctity" of marriage in tact. Totally right? But, God forbid a same sex couple that loves each other and is committed to one another get to enjoy the same right as I do with my random guy I found on the street who's name I don't know and will only allow to sleep on my couch. Can't have that! Love? Commitment? What does that have to do with marriage?!
I guess my mother did a better job with me than yours did with you. She raised me to love everyone because that's what Jesus taught. If you call yourself a Christian, and you condone this hatred, well, good luck explaining that on Judgment Day!
Here's my bottom line. When the state became the entity that condones marriage, it became a civil, SECULAR matter. The Constitution of The United States does not allow for discrimination. Religious beliefs have no place in the argument. It's discriminatory and discrimination has no place in our country. So shove it! Thanks for listening :D
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