Hey Migraine. You're an asshole.

That's right Migraine. I'm just calling it like I see it. I don't know how many times I've told you since I was twelve to fuck the fuck off, but I'm sure it numbers in the hundreds at this point. You never seem to take me seriously. But I so totally mean it.

No one likes you. You're rude and selfish and ugly and loud and smelly and you should just go die. Or go hang out with Newt Gingrich or someone like that. No one else wants you around. Even Michele Bachmann hates you. That's pretty bad, because she's crazy. You can tell she's crazy because she spells Michelle wrong. She only uses one L and that's messed up, so you know she's got some serious problems.

And what's with you these last couple weeks?! I mean seriously, I don't need you around EVER and you show up four times? FOUR TIMES! WTF Migraine? Do you have nothing better to do than make me a whiny, glassy eyed, cry baby face head? You should take up a hobby or something. Woodworking or some such nonsense. I don't care what it is, but you should really find other things to do, instead of forcing yourself on people that don't even want you around. That's pretty sad and pathetic Migraine. Get a life why don't you! I'd almost feel sorry for you that you have to resort to such tactics just to have company, if it weren't for the fact that I fucking hate you. Maybe you should work on your personality and then people wouldn't mind having you around. Did you ever think of that? No, probably not. I bet you think you're perfect. Fucking narcissist. I've got news for you-your shit DOES stink! You just sit there and think about that for a while and maybe it'll change your attitude about things.

Apparently you've been working out. I can tell because my normal medicines aren't working. My neck is killing me and I feel like there's a ball of fire back there too. My skin is actually hot! That's fucked up Migraine. Know what else? I don't care for this whole new "light sensitivity" bullshit either. Knock. It. Off.

I don't know why you're pulling this shit with me Migraine. I'm normally a pretty nice person, and I don't deserve you attacking me like this. I know I'm nice because when I smile at babies and children, they smile back. In fact, that just happened a few minutes ago. I came home and went to go get my mail and this little girl and her dad were in the hall and I smiled at her and she smiled back and started talking about her "cinnamon gloves". I don't know what cinnamon gloves are, but I bet she wouldn't want to tell you about them. I bet kids would start crying if you smiled at them.

That's the difference between me and you really. Kids love me because I'm nice and a relatively awesome human, but they fucking hate you.

Because you're an asshole.

And a dick.