I hate you cancer

So for anyone that cares to read this, you may or my not know my mother probably has lung cancer. I say probably because the goddamn doctors still haven't done a flippin biopsy on this thing they found in her lungs oh, a couple months ago. According to the assistant to the surgeon that will eventually do the biopsy (WHEN?!), the CAT scan shows irregular boarders and is consistent with a malignant tumor. So really, best guess is she has cancer. That follows since she's been smoking for 40 some odd years.

I thought I'd come to terms with my mother's smoking and my father's various addictions. I was wrong. When my mother called me and told me they'd found something in an X-ray, I could hardly talk. That's because my throat closed up because I was crying. I didn't want to do anything and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just layed on the couch for the entire weekend and watched Criminal Minds. I didn't eat the whole weekend. I lost 3 pounds the following week. My boyfriend and I broke up in part because I have absolutely nothing to give to a relationship right now. Because I'm afraid my mom will die. And I'm afraid she'll suffer before it happens.

I've not slept for more than 3 hours a night for the last 3 weeks. Nearly 4 weeks now. Except for last Tuesday. I slept so well that I woke up in the same position I'd fallen asleep in. I don't advise that by the way because that side of your body will stay sore all day. It was worth it though. I thought "oh yay! My insomnia has cured it's self!" I was wrong about that too. And yes, I've tried all sorts of OTC meds to sleep. How do you think I've been able to get as much as 3 hours of sleep? That wouldn't happen if I were non-medicated.

So I took most of yesterday off because I was so flippin exhausted. You can't even believe how tired I was, and I can't even begin to explain it. It wasn't just a physical exhaustion, if anything, it's more a mental exhaustion. In 3 hours, you can still reach REM sleep and your body can do a lot (not enough, but a lot) of the repairs it needs to. But (medically induced) 3 hours is not enough time for your brain to rest and re cooperate. I think it's only just enough to stave off insanity. And there's no guarantee I will remain sane if I continue on this 3 hours a night sleep thing. To paraphrase Donkey from Shreck-I'm a girl on the edge!

I come in today, and everyone but my boss is mad at me. People that know what's going on in my life were mad at me. But I'm just too tired and stressed out to care. It's not that I don't want to care either. I'm talking about people I consider friends outside of work. But I just can't be bothered to care about what they had to deal with yesterday. I just can't. I'm too tired from hating cancer/fearing for my mother/not knowing what will happen to give 2 poops about it. And there's my last word on it.

You're a nice person and all, but I'm kinda busy right now

Do you ever have those times where you just want to just want to say "Look, I'm kinda busy at the moment. Can we talk about this later?"

The frustrating thing about those times is usually that it's fairly obvious you're kinda busy at that moment. Like, maybe your face is stuck in a book. Or you're having a conversation with someone else. Or you're doing homework. Whatever. It's clear you're busy. And yet, people want to talk. And you try to do the polite "uh huh" distracted thing-trying to get the point across that you're busy. But the person just doesn't get it. (Shakes head) Why is it so hard to fathom that perhaps it is more interesting/important/relaxing for us at moment to do whatever it is we're doing that it would be interesting/important/relaxing to speak to you? Help me out here because I just don't understand!

Colorado weather. Don't believe the lies.

Just a short post today to clear up some crazy misconceptions that people have about the weather here in Colorado. Lots of people around here like to say "Don't like the weather? Wait 5 minutes!" then they laugh as if they've made some sort of clever joke. But what they've actually done is reinforced this silly idea that Colorado is a sunny, warm, wonderful climate year round. It's not. Winter starts in October. No really, it does. Granted, it's not like a deep freeze Michigan kind of winter. But that's when we get our first snow. So as far as I'm concerned, that's when winter starts. Know what I call kids on Halloween around here? Flashers. Know why? Because when you open your door, they open their coats so you can see their costumes, shout "TRICK OR TREAT!" and bundle right back into those coats. Because it snowed the night before. And it's still really cold. Poor things!

And another thing. Winter doesn't end before April. True story! We've had nifty 3 foot + blizzards in April. At the end of April even! I know that because my birthday is in April, and I've had to wear my snow boots on my birthday many times. So that means 6 months of winter. That's an inappropriately long time.

People also like to tell this little lie: "Oh yeah, it snows now and then. But it's no big deal. It's gone next day!" No it's not. Those people's front yards must be north facing, and they must never look in their back yards. Or at the sidewalks on the way to work. Because if they did, they'd see the snow is most definitely still there. Those same people will also tell you that the day after a snow storm it'll be "like 60 degrees!" Yeah. Not so much true really. Maybe in the 40's. That happens. But last my body told me, 40 is not like 60 at all.

Again, those from Michigan (as my mom is) and all those northern states will tell you that Colorado winters are balmy in comparison. I know. That doesn't make 40 degrees feel anything like 60 degrees when you're outside though.

Just sayin.