I hate you cancer

So for anyone that cares to read this, you may or my not know my mother probably has lung cancer. I say probably because the goddamn doctors still haven't done a flippin biopsy on this thing they found in her lungs oh, a couple months ago. According to the assistant to the surgeon that will eventually do the biopsy (WHEN?!), the CAT scan shows irregular boarders and is consistent with a malignant tumor. So really, best guess is she has cancer. That follows since she's been smoking for 40 some odd years.

I thought I'd come to terms with my mother's smoking and my father's various addictions. I was wrong. When my mother called me and told me they'd found something in an X-ray, I could hardly talk. That's because my throat closed up because I was crying. I didn't want to do anything and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just layed on the couch for the entire weekend and watched Criminal Minds. I didn't eat the whole weekend. I lost 3 pounds the following week. My boyfriend and I broke up in part because I have absolutely nothing to give to a relationship right now. Because I'm afraid my mom will die. And I'm afraid she'll suffer before it happens.

I've not slept for more than 3 hours a night for the last 3 weeks. Nearly 4 weeks now. Except for last Tuesday. I slept so well that I woke up in the same position I'd fallen asleep in. I don't advise that by the way because that side of your body will stay sore all day. It was worth it though. I thought "oh yay! My insomnia has cured it's self!" I was wrong about that too. And yes, I've tried all sorts of OTC meds to sleep. How do you think I've been able to get as much as 3 hours of sleep? That wouldn't happen if I were non-medicated.

So I took most of yesterday off because I was so flippin exhausted. You can't even believe how tired I was, and I can't even begin to explain it. It wasn't just a physical exhaustion, if anything, it's more a mental exhaustion. In 3 hours, you can still reach REM sleep and your body can do a lot (not enough, but a lot) of the repairs it needs to. But (medically induced) 3 hours is not enough time for your brain to rest and re cooperate. I think it's only just enough to stave off insanity. And there's no guarantee I will remain sane if I continue on this 3 hours a night sleep thing. To paraphrase Donkey from Shreck-I'm a girl on the edge!

I come in today, and everyone but my boss is mad at me. People that know what's going on in my life were mad at me. But I'm just too tired and stressed out to care. It's not that I don't want to care either. I'm talking about people I consider friends outside of work. But I just can't be bothered to care about what they had to deal with yesterday. I just can't. I'm too tired from hating cancer/fearing for my mother/not knowing what will happen to give 2 poops about it. And there's my last word on it.